Jule (endlessfighter) wrote,
Jule
endlessfighter

friends and loneliness and loneliness and friends...

I know I haven't updated in ages... I just have no time with Disney stuff going on... but my program is almost over and I am already thinking about re-joining HIH and stuff...

I don't know... I've been feeling weird lately... it's like... in my last 3 months I have to feel like in my first three months. And that's no good. In my first 3 months here I was super lonely. Everyone I had gotten to know then and kinda like had different days off and I had no one to hang out with and I had gotten into a fight with Alicia so I didn't hang out with her either anymore and I really missed all my friends at home and I basically spent my first 3 months crying over my friends because I was really lonely.

Then my days off changed and my life here changed... I had days off with LOADS of people I liked and we hung out together, did trips together and it was just all awesome!

But idk what's going on now... things feel weird... two of my closest friends here are already ack in Germany and I miss them like crazy! One of them thankfully lives close by so I will see her soon after I get home myself... and everyone else, well, I don't know...
Michelle and I just went on a Bahamas Cruise together so I know we're fine but things are still weird... for several weeks before the cruise ALL of my friends that have my days off rented a car EVERY MONDAY and drove to the beach together... not once...not one single time did anyone even ask me if I was interested in coming... these are people who I hung out with every Mon/Tue for HALF A YEAR! They asked a completely random person to come who had nothing to do with us... which akes me wonder if someone in our group doesn't like me... it sounds pitiful but urgh!
And then idk what's wrong with this other girl... yesterday she was all weird and quiet and every time I said something she reacted like she doesn't care and it felt like I had done something wrong BUT I WASN'T THERE FOR A WEEK! how could I have done something wrong? idk... and it happens sometimes with her and then a day or 2 later she'll come up to me and be all like "Jule! Waterpark on tuesday?".. and I'm just like älasidhfiefgweu STOP GIVING ME MIXED FEELINGS PEOPLE!
and idk... all of this makes me feel like I am just a replacement person... like 'oh hey look... everyone is busy... let's just ask jule if she wants to since there is no one else'...
it's like in this book I am just reading... the main character's best friend just hung up on him and the book says "Maybe our friendship had always been about convenience— he didn’t have
anyone cooler than me to play video games with. And now he didn’t have to be nice to me, or care about the things I cared about, because he had Jase Worthington."
Maybe I am just convenient to hang out with...

And idk really know what it is... I like it here but I am REALLY ready to go home and that's weird... maybe it'd be different if someone had come to visit me... ANYONE for that matter... Everyone in this program has people visiting them... parents (grated, mine spent 10.000€ on renovating the house and almost burned it down), and friends... mostly friends... everyone is always picking up their friends from the airport or taking trips with them or showing them around the parks... and I am just sitting here all envious thinking about how I hate their friends for being able to afford it (or fot their friend's parents paying for it)... Maybe I'd feel better if I had just seen ANYONE... just SOMEONE From home at some point during my program. I miss everyone SO FUCKING MUCH!

That's also another thing... I really really miss all my friends at home... and I should be happy... I'm going home soon... but it doesn't make me feel better... half of my friends won't be there anymore when I get home... some moved to other cities close by, some to cities farther away... so many people moved... when I look at the pictures from my goodbye party I start crying because probably not even half of them will be there for my welcome back party... and I miss them and I don'T wanna be as alone again at home as I was back in 2008... back before I met all these awesome people I now call my friends...
I know I sound selfish right now how I just keep talking about how I'll be alone and no one will be there for me anymore... They're starting their lives with universities and jobs and I am SO SO SOOO happy for every single one of them and so proud of them that they're starting their lives. And I mean, I went away too... and I will hopefully leave the country again for university next september but urgh!

I'm just having all these feel lately and I just need to let them out here on LJ... it's the only place where I can without anyone from work seeing it...

I miss ya'll too! and people deleting me from friends lists here doesn't help either... I will try to post more again and hopefully joing HIH soon again as well...
Tags: personal stuff, random
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